Yesterday I had the opportunity to visit a friend of a friend in the hospital. She was gracious enough to allow me to ask her a few questions and publish her story. It wasn't easy for her, and it wasn't easy for me to see her in the shape she was in or to hear the horrific details. Her name has been changed to, "Sally," to protect her privacy. Sally struggled to speak and was in tremendous pain so we took frequent breaks.This is now the interview went:
Bungus: Sally, I really appreciate you letting me get your story out. I think it will help prevent other people from going through similar tragedies. Are you ready to begin?
Bungus: So can you tell me, in as much detail as you're comfortable with, what happened to you?
Sally: Ok. Well, last Friday night I was at home, watching television. My husband was at work, just closing up his shop.
Bungus: Sorry to interrupt, Sally, but what does your husband do?
Sally: He bakes cakes for LGBTQ weddings. He lets his employees off early on Friday so they can enjoy their weekends.
Bungus: Ok, sorry again for interrupting you. Please go on.
Sally: I was watching Fox News. I had given up on Fox a while back when they came out against my guy but came home to Fox when they started endorsing the savior of mankind, Donald Trump, and badmouthing those idiot God-and-guns purist conservatives. Suddenly I heard the back door open, but it wasn't the usual sound - it sounded like it had been broken open. I called [my husband's] name and asked if it was him. No one said anything back. So I started dialing 911, knowing the police would get to my house in less than 30 seconds to save me, but before I could hit the call button, it ran at me and tackled me. It hit me several times. That's all I remember until I woke up tied to my bed.
Bungus: So who, or what, did this to you? Do you feel comfortable saying who it was?
Sally: Oh, it wasn't a person.
Bungus: What do you mean, Sally?
Sally: It was climate change.
Bungus: Wait a minute. You're saying climate change brutalized you?
Sally: Yes. At first I didn't know who or what it was. So I asked it...let's say, 'him,' why he was doing this to me and what he wanted. He said I was a climate change denier and that he was going to treat me like an infidel unless I started to believe that he was more dangerous than ISIS. I didn't know what he meant until he climbed on top of me. At this point I realized I was naked.
Bungus: I'm so sorry. If you want to take another break, we can.
Sally: No, I'd rather get this over with. It's very difficult to think about. I looked at the clock and wondered why my husband wasn't home. Climate change must have noticed and told me he had killed my husband by chopping his head off. I started screaming and he just hit me with something that looked like a sooty tailpipe. My left eye started to bleed and swelled shut. He continued to rape me for five days, about ten times a day. Then the others came in the room.
Bungus: Which others?
Sally: First capitalism came in and raped me and broke two of my fingers. He kept saying I was evil and deserved to be treated like an animal. He asked me where my money was so I told him and he stole everything - my jewelry, money, clothing, china and flatware, everything. He even pulled my teeth out and pried the gold fillings and crowns off. That's what happened to my teeth.
Bungus: You said 'they.' Who else?
Sally: A gun. It came in and hit me over the head and then shot me in the leg. Oh the pain was unbearable. I was so humiliated and in so much pain.
Bungus: You mean someone shot you?
Sally: No, the gun shot me. He threatened to shoot me again, just for fun. But climate change told him not to and that I would not be useful any more to him or capitalism for pleasure.
Bungus: O, dear God, Sally, how horrible. I can't even imagine.
Sally: This went on with the three of them joking and eating in front of me the whole time. Whenever they felt the need, the two would rape me, as the gun looked on with an evil smirk. I wanted to die so badly. If I could have, I would have asked for the Air Force to just bomb my house. I didn't think mentally and emotionally I would survive, but God helped me through it. One time as it was happening I was praying for someone to save me and as I looked out the window, I thought I saw Ted Cruz watching. I wasn't sure, but it looked like he was touching himself.
Bungus: So how did it all end? Who found you?
Sally: After about a week, I heard sirens and suddenly several men dressed in black, with masks on, broke in to the house and hit climate change and capitalism over the head with little cast iron replicas of Fiat electric cars.
Bungus: What about the gun?
Sally: It escaped out the window. I think Ted Cruz might have helped it escape.
Bungus: So who were the masked men?
Sally: The first one to take his mask off was Jose. He said he was an undocumented immigrant from Guatemala. He was so nice. Then the others took their masks off: President Obama, John Kerry, George Clooney, Matt Damon, and Bill Clinton. Mr. Clinton kept looking at me so I asked if someone would please cover me with a blanket. They let me ride in their SUV to the hospital. On the way Mrs. Obama gave me an arugula salad and said she actually liked me even though I'm white.
Bungus: Wow. It sounds like they really were heroes!
Sally: Well, until we got to the hospital.
Bungus: What do you mean?
Sally: Mr. Obama said he was going to get rid of climate change so other people wouldn't be treated like me. And he said he was going to punish anyone who didn't believe climate change was worse than ISIS. Then it happened.
Bungus: What happened?
Sally: Mr. Kerry asked me if I believed it. I asked him, 'What'? He said, 'That climate change is worse than ISIS.' I wasn't sure what to say. I just sat there, wondering why he would ask me that. I started to answer him and Matt Damon yelled at me, 'So, do you'? I was scared. I said, 'I don't know.' So they threw me out of the car in front of the emergency room.
Sally is still recovering in the hospital. She wants the whole world to know her story so other innocent people aren't captured, enslaved, tortured, starved, humiliated, raped, robbed, shot or decapitated by climate change or capitalism or guns, or left to suffer by the creepy lying perverted Canadian citizen insider politician wishy washy RINO Ted Cruz, whose father helped kill JFK. Please pass this on and talk with your friends, relatives and children. Together, we can make a difference.