Sunday, November 1, 2015

Did You Use a Jack-O-Lantern?

I hope you joined with me in boycotting the use of jack-o-lanterns this Halloween. They've been frowned upon by our President and the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). You know, as well as I do, that they contribute to Global Warming (capitalized because it is now not only a proper noun, it is a major world-wide religion).

Pumpkins decompose, just like watermelon rinds, corn husks, bean and pea pods, squash skins, apple peels, nut shells, lettuce cores, onion skins, garlic skins, pineapple rinds and cores, mango skins, coffee grounds, tea leaves, and the human excrement they all produce, into methane gas. Methane gas contributes to the accelerated demise of our beautiful planet, Gaia. Mother Gaia is getting a bad sunburn because of our consumptive and energy-intensive lifestyles. And pumpkins are really taking their toll.

Another obvious reason not to use jack-o-lanterns is the burning of candles inside them. We all know that burning candles (which is what we will all be doing when we put coal-powered electric generation out of business, as there will be a shortage of electricity) contributes to Gaia's sunburn.

Now, if you're like me, you cook the pumpkin and enjoy its sweet, beta carotene-rich flesh, in the form of pies, squash-like side dishes, etc. This causes two problems which the unwashed masses seem to overlook:

1) The energy used in cooking the squash contributes, indirectly, to Gaia's sunburn.

2) The human flatulence contributes directly to Gaia's sunburn, and the burning of scented candles also contributes directly to Gaia's sunburn.

The bottom line is, if you used a jack-o-lantern this Halloween, you're not only a Satan worshipper, you're an earth hater and an as*h*le.

By the way, did you get to dip into your kids' cache of sugar?

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