Monday, February 9, 2015

How to Move Toilet Paper to the Upstairs Bathroom at the White House

Recently at a press briefing, Ed Henry asked Josh Earnest what the President plans to do about the upstairs bathroom at the White House running out of toilet paper.

Mr. Earnest couldn't help but smile a little. He can't hide the fact that he's the highest paid jester/liar in the world, and he can't wait for his tour to be over. But he also believes most of what he says, because David Axelrod tells him to, and Valerie Jarrett spanks him regularly.

Responding to Ed Henry, Josh Earnest said, "Uhm,we're not, uhm, the President is well aware that, ya know, we're working on that now. The fact is, and we all know this is true, is that, uh, there is plenty of toilet paper in the White House to go around and the President has taken personal responsibility to ensure the American people that each bathroom will be heavily stocked with clean toilet paper.

Mr. Henry responded quickly, "But didn't Mrs. Obama complain on The David Letterman Show that the upstairs bathroom is always out of toilet paper"?

Earnestly, Mr. Earnest gathered himself and answered, earnestly, "That depends on how you define always. And out. Who's to say she just couldn't find the toilet paper that day? The toilet paper is white, and the First Lady is oblivious to color, as she's said numerous times at the Children's Hospital while speaking to white children with bald heads to make them feel, uhm, ya know, like they're normal like black children."

Mr. Henry wouldn't back down. A small splatter of spit flew from his mouth as he retorted, "So you're saying the First Lady is too incompetent to locate the toilet paper in the upstairs bathroom? Is there toilet paper in the upstairs bathroom or not? The American people deserve to know!"

Meanwhile, backstage watching the press conference unfold on the security cameras, King Hussein sneered at Mr. Henry and said to David Axelrod, "Sh!t, Dave, what's Henry's problem? Doesn't he know I can handle my own crappy toilet paper"?

Valerie Jarrett sat in the shadowed corner, chuckling and gurgling like the Shadout Mapes from Dune. "Come on, Barry," she said, "At least they're down to toilet paper. It used to be jobs, healthcare and national security. Pretty soon they're going to be asking you how to tie their shoes." Then she squinted and her face curled up like a dry prune and she shrunk back into the shadows.

Dave Axelrod called an aid over and said, "Go get one of those Muslim, undocumented, clitoris-free secret service girls to put some damned toilet paper up there. And get Barry a cigarette. Oh, sorry Mr. President."

"Screw you, Dave. You forgot the beer."

Another apparatchik pressed Mr. Earnest, "You keep saying there's no toilet paper issue. Are you going to tell us next that there is no bathroom upstairs in the White House? We all know there's a bathroom upstairs. That's where Al Roker changed his underpants."

Josh Earnest leaned hard on the podium and said, in his most serious voice, saved only for the most serious matters, and with his most earnest face, saved only for when he's lying, "I'll defer to the Secretary of defense. We all agree that toilet paper is an issue of national security and we're not at liberty to discuss the details at this time. Rest assured the toilet paper will be replaced as soon as an undocumented immigrant communist transvestite green energy advocating vendor can be secured to provide recycled, free-range, perfume free, dye free, paper free toilet paper. Next question."

At my house, when we run out of toilet paper upstairs, my kids don't hold a press conference with Mom to see what Dad is planning to do about the situation. Someone grabs a couple of rolls from the bathroom downstairs and deposits them upstairs. But Daddy Hussein is a different story.

I am amazed at how the press (and a large percentage of the less intelligent public) fawns over every word, every idea, every facial expression, every lie, every Marxist principle, every stupid joke, every scoffing comment about Americans, that flies out of King Hussein's neck. This is the first time in my life that such an arrogant, pathological micromanager has been president, and the first time the president has been treated like a king by a bunch of helpless, scared, sycophantic idiots, even though he hates America and most Americans.

If King Hussein's minions are reading this, they can choke on the fact that I'm now going to go to my bathroom and do my business, without asking the king for permission or advice. I can handle my own crappy toilet paper, thank you.

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